You know what show was totally stupid? Car Voltron. Because seriously, it's like they just drew a big-ass robot and broke it into boxy components that looked only slightly like actual cars, plus there were a bazillion of them, so no character development, etc. But you know what show rocked? Lion Voltron. In addition to having a kick-ass robot made out of five kick-ass lions, each of which had a specific realm of influence, Lion Voltron had the following cool opening narration:
From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend. The legend of Voltron: Defender of the Universe. A mighty robot, loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron's legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy. On Planet Earth, a Galaxy Alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the Solar System, they maintained peace throughout the universe until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy. Voltron was needed once more. This is the story of the superforce of space explorers. Specially trained and sent by the alliance to bring back, Voltron: Defender of the Universe.
I like how fast and loose they play with the universe/galaxy/solar system distinction, but more importantly, I like the notion of a super-powerful force for good that is called upon only in times of extreme crisis. For me, that mighty force is the internet, and it has done well by me. Remember when my bike got stolen from my car in the Dirty Water? I posted about it here, and the internet came through: I got an awesome free bike.
Now, a new horrible menace is threatening my galaxy. To wit, my beloved Corolla has perished, a victim of acute arthritis of the motor. I was driving through North Haven on the Merritt on Tuesday evening when the oil light went on. I pulled over on the snowy side of the road, poured a quart of oil in there, and all seemed well, except that I almost needed Voltron to get me out of the semi-frozen snow beside the parkway (and I didn't even have the Xootr, so I couldn't have ridden down the Merritt to get help, which is almost a shame, because I saw a guy riding a bike on the Merritt once, and he seemed like a total superstar of toughness). Anyway, I was cruising along after getting back on the road when the ol' engine started a knockin' (if this toyota's a knockin', don't come rockin'). I pulled into a gas station almost immediately, but the engine was shot.
I got towed to a garage in New Haven (highlight: we had to cut through one of those emergency turnaround places on the Merritt, and the tow truck driver told me proudly, "I'm an emergency vehicle; I get to do all kinds of crazy shit"), and ultimately learned from the mechanic there that the car was properly dead. Thanks to the magic of craigslist, I found some dude in Meriden who had the car towed and bought it from me for $500. (He also asked me if a friend of his could call me to get legal advice about DCF involvement. I said sure.)
So now I have $493 ($97 went to the garage in New Haven, for the hour of diagnostic work and three (wasted) quarts of oil), but that doesn't go very far when it comes to purchasing an automobile. Case in point: This ad. That's why I need the internet.
CAR DEALERS, I AM SPEAKING TO YOU!!! Do you have some car that you are having trouble moving off the lot? Maybe the sales of this item would increase if you plastered it with advertising and allowed me to drive it all over the state! Have you considered how effective it would be to have a hip and handsome young lawyer like me incorporating your automobile into a complicated, earth-friendly, multi-modal commute? I have considered it, and the answer is, it would be very effective. Many young people would purchase the car. For you, I will do this for no cost at all - all you have to do is let me use the car! I will take good care of it! For you, I will even respect the speed limits.
Seriously. My work requires me to have a car. I need a car. I will take any car. I will take one of those bullshit, boxy, Car Voltron cars. There has to be some kind of deal we can make, right? Read more!