Thursday, January 29, 2009

Voltron is Needed Once More

You know what show was totally stupid? Car Voltron. Because seriously, it's like they just drew a big-ass robot and broke it into boxy components that looked only slightly like actual cars, plus there were a bazillion of them, so no character development, etc. But you know what show rocked? Lion Voltron. In addition to having a kick-ass robot made out of five kick-ass lions, each of which had a specific realm of influence, Lion Voltron had the following cool opening narration:

From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend. The legend of Voltron: Defender of the Universe. A mighty robot, loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron's legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy. On Planet Earth, a Galaxy Alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the Solar System, they maintained peace throughout the universe until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy. Voltron was needed once more. This is the story of the superforce of space explorers. Specially trained and sent by the alliance to bring back, Voltron: Defender of the Universe.

I like how fast and loose they play with the universe/galaxy/solar system distinction, but more importantly, I like the notion of a super-powerful force for good that is called upon only in times of extreme crisis. For me, that mighty force is the internet, and it has done well by me. Remember when my bike got stolen from my car in the Dirty Water? I posted about it here, and the internet came through: I got an awesome free bike.

Now, a new horrible menace is threatening my galaxy. To wit, my beloved Corolla has perished, a victim of acute arthritis of the motor. I was driving through North Haven on the Merritt on Tuesday evening when the oil light went on. I pulled over on the snowy side of the road, poured a quart of oil in there, and all seemed well, except that I almost needed Voltron to get me out of the semi-frozen snow beside the parkway (and I didn't even have the Xootr, so I couldn't have ridden down the Merritt to get help, which is almost a shame, because I saw a guy riding a bike on the Merritt once, and he seemed like a total superstar of toughness). Anyway, I was cruising along after getting back on the road when the ol' engine started a knockin' (if this toyota's a knockin', don't come rockin'). I pulled into a gas station almost immediately, but the engine was shot.

I got towed to a garage in New Haven (highlight: we had to cut through one of those emergency turnaround places on the Merritt, and the tow truck driver told me proudly, "I'm an emergency vehicle; I get to do all kinds of crazy shit"), and ultimately learned from the mechanic there that the car was properly dead. Thanks to the magic of craigslist, I found some dude in Meriden who had the car towed and bought it from me for $500. (He also asked me if a friend of his could call me to get legal advice about DCF involvement. I said sure.)

So now I have $493 ($97 went to the garage in New Haven, for the hour of diagnostic work and three (wasted) quarts of oil), but that doesn't go very far when it comes to purchasing an automobile. Case in point: This ad. That's why I need the internet.

CAR DEALERS, I AM SPEAKING TO YOU!!! Do you have some car that you are having trouble moving off the lot? Maybe the sales of this item would increase if you plastered it with advertising and allowed me to drive it all over the state! Have you considered how effective it would be to have a hip and handsome young lawyer like me incorporating your automobile into a complicated, earth-friendly, multi-modal commute? I have considered it, and the answer is, it would be very effective. Many young people would purchase the car. For you, I will do this for no cost at all - all you have to do is let me use the car! I will take good care of it! For you, I will even respect the speed limits.

Seriously. My work requires me to have a car. I need a car. I will take any car. I will take one of those bullshit, boxy, Car Voltron cars. There has to be some kind of deal we can make, right?


El Presidente de China said...

Lion Voltron should totally be plastered with "One Less Car" stickers. Or one "Five Fewer Cars" sticker, but that would have to be custom made.

OpusOne said...

This post kicks all sorts of ass for multiple reasons.

First of all, I thought I was the only one who cared about the Universe/Solar System/Galaxy sloppiness. Also, do you think the intern who was in charge of writing/translating the opening script had any idea of his influence? The people who wrote cartoon and advertising copy in the '70s and '80s had more influence over culture than anyone in history. I also thought it was cool that it sounded like Optimus Prime was the voice reading the intro.

2) Of course Car Voltron sucked. Robot Chicken just had an episode that showed how long it took for Voltron to assemble. BTW, I saved my yard-working money to buy the Lion Voltron toy, which totally rocked. My confusion to this day: on the box, it said "Voltron III." Assuming that Car Voltron was one of either I or II, what the hell was the third in the series??

3) I am in the market for a motorcarriage, seeing as mine is about to cross the 150,000 mile barrier and should anything break, it would cost lots of monies to fix. The news says this is a great time to buy, so if any failing dealer in our flourishing economy would take El Prez up on his offer, I would seriously consider purchasing a similar model in kind.

Brendan said...

how come you didn't tag this post "one less car"?


also, shouldn't that slogan be "one fewer car" anyway?

(fixed the typo)

Anonymous said...

Buy a Horizon!

El Presidente de China said...

Almost there: It's 2001 Ford Focus w/ 120K, being sold by slightly shady dude who knows nothing about car's history vs. 1995 Ford Explorer w/ 120K being sold by original owner kindergarten teacher whom I know through non-car-buying channels and who has documented every oil change in a folder with receipts. I'm leaning toward the Explorer.

El Presidente de China said...

Focus wins! Focus wins! Explorer needed $1200 of work/parts. Focus needs a little bit of monkeying with its radio to make it sit in the dashboard properly. No SUV for me! Hooray!

plumbing said...

You'll want to wait until your baby is strong enough to endure the bumps on the road. When in doubt, ask your pediatrician. Of course, when your child is ready to hit the road, you should still use a helmet to protect his or her head.